When my kids got older and didn’t need me to chauffeur 24/7, I returned to the work force. Through diligence and six month’s hard work, I was promoted. Unfortunately, my promotion came with a thorn-a difficult co-worker.
Ida (Names have been changed to protect me from Ida’s wrath) had worked there four years already. She will forever carry the distinction of the most cantankerous person with whom I’ve ever worked. If she could find something cutting to say, she said it-to your face. She often infuriated me as I learned my new duties. Her favorite line was, “Are you really that stupid or do you have to work at it?” Her barbed tongue directed that to someone every day.
When I joined Ida’s department, I wondered what made her so insufferable; but the workload was huge, and she clearly needed help. I tried to turn a deaf ear as much as possible.
One job I had hated more than anything was destroying the financial papers and CDs. They had to be shredded and the office didn’t have a mechanical shredder. We did by hand and scissors. As soon as I was promoted, she pulled seniority and gleefully passed that particular duty on to me. I tried so hard to get them to take a look at the best cd shredder but I’ve still got a bit of persuading to do. Apparently budgets are ‘tight’.
The company was owned by two brothers. Jerry, the Vice President, was the brother I dealt with most. We developed a good working relationship-I always see the funny side of life and he had a good sense of humor. He appreciated my hard work. In my review, he told me I applied intelligence to all I did. That was nice to hear after Ida had spent the year questioning my IQ.
A month after that review, I received the added duty of ordering all the office supplies. One of my first acquisitions was the paper shredder. It may be useful to visit an online office supplier like Office Monster when trying to find the best one for you. I had to convince Jerry with a sound intellectual argument, so I computed the time it took me to shred papers by hand, and multiplied that by my wages. By comparing that figure to the price of the machine, I convinced Jerry it was a sound investment. My approach worked and I ordered the shredder.
The day it arrived, you never saw so many people with sensitive documents to be shredded, and which no hands could touch but theirs. Of course, as happens after about a week, the novelty wore off and it was business as usual.
Until the day my intelligence truly came under suspicion.
Ida arrived at my desk, carrying a two-foot stack of computer printouts. With sadistic glee, she dumped the pile in the middle of my desk.
“Shred these. And have them done before I get back. I’m going to lunch.” She stalked off.
I glanced at the clock.
Oh, great. Noon. So much for my lunch. I glared at her departing back, wearily picked up the pile and schlepped it off to the shredder.
With the continuous-feed computer paper, I could set the pile on the floor and guide it in. While my stomach growled, I fumed at Ida. I stewed and the paper shredded.
The supply room wasn’t far from Jerry’s office and I could hear him talking on the phone. I considered telling him I was fed up with Ida’s abuse, and I wanted a transfer to another department. The sound of the shredder’s paper receptacle getting full pulled my attention back to my job. I bent to check it.
That was my first mistake.
Or perhaps, my second. My first had been to wear my new elegant blouse to the office. But I just had to show it off. It was white, soft and draping with a navy blue scarf, tied in a bow at the neck.
As I leaned over the shredder, the ends of the bow fell over the blades and-whoop! I was sucked into the machine. I grabbed the scarf, yanking it, and myself, free of the shredder.
Gasping for breath, and my whole body shaking, I looked down, thinking how close I had come to being strangled. My scarf had come out of the shredder perfectly fringed in ¼” pieces hanging midway down the front of my blouse.
I walked to Jerry’s office and stood in the doorway. He was leaning back in his chair, still talking on the phone. I waited. Finally looking up, he stared at me. Then his eyes went to my shredded scarf. They grew large as understanding dawned. He burst out laughing…and fell over backwards.
The story spread far and wide. Salesmen knew. Customers knew. My co-workers knew. Even Jerry’s family knew.
And Ida knew.
And she never let me forget it.
Funny, though. Ida never realized she finally gave me a compliment. Looking down her nose with her arms folded across her midriff, she stared at my shredded scarf, and said, “That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever seen an intelligent person do!”
About Ane
Ane Mulligan writes Southern-fried fiction served with a tall, sweet iced tea. She’s a three-time Genesis finalist, a humor columnist for the ACFW Journal, and a multi-published playwright. President of the award-winning literary site, Novel Rocket, she resides in Suwanee, GA, with her artist husband and two very large dogs.
Her debut book, Chapel Springs Revival, is due out in 2014. “With a friend like Claire, you need a gurney, a mop, and a guardian angel.” You can find Ane at her website or on Facebook.
Ane is generously offering a choice of one of these new scarves as a prize to someone who comments on this post and also leaves their email address within the next week. Winner has one week to respond. USA and Canada!
Leave a comment on Kate’s post (next one below) & enter to win an Amish-made potholder & a novel!
I loved this. I am glad ya didn’t get hurt but it made me smile. Your poor scarf. Love to win. Promise i won’t get close to a shredder.
Blessings
Diana
joeym11@frontier.com
Thanks, Diana. I wasn’t hurt at all … well, except for my pride and my scarf. :o)
Glad you wasn’t hurt. I love scarves. There are some real pretty ones. Love the ones you have above. got my fingers crossed. 🙂
what a funny story!!! love it!!! Rhonda
rhonda_nash_hall@comcast.net
Thanks, Rhonda.
Snirk….what a hoot! poor scarf! Makes a great story…. glad u were ok…and could laugh about it. Would love the music scarf!
mandn(at)wisper(dash)wireless(dot)com
Thanks, I’m delighted you got a giggle out of it. However, my boss gave the poor scarf a decent burial. 🙂
Aw, the things we have to put up with in the work force! Very pretty scarves, probably my pick would be the red/purple. Thank you for this opportunity.
Ah yes, well at least the laughter was worth it. ;o)
Please, all who enter the contest, leave an email address or contact info in case you win. Thanks!
I am so sorry Ane! I laughed until tears ran down my cheeks. I had a the perfect picture in my mind of you and your scarf. I know it wasn’t funny to you at the time and I am so happy you weren’t hurt but the description of the whole scene was more than I could take. I am still laughing!
Thanks for this post and giving me the first good laugh I’ve had in a long time!
Blessings!
Judy B
judyjohn2004(at)yahoo(dot)com
Well, I’m tickled pink I made you “see” the scene, because it was funny. Even then … as I nearly choked … I squeaked out a strangled giggle. ;o)
This would be something that would happen to me. I have to confess that I was shredding one time and it almost caught my ribbon from the blouse I wore that day. Thankful you were not hurt.
Barbara Thompson
barbmaci61(at)yahoo(dot)com
Thank you, Barbara. Yes those of us who like ribbons, scarves, and bows need to beware of shredders! ;o)
Ane I think I will let you continue to handle the shredder. I can just see the cape on my dress getting caught and … well the thought is not pretty.
LOL you’re right, Sharon. 🙂
I am glad that you were ok and didn’t get hurt. But I can imagine how you were feeling as your scarf was disappearing into the shredder. A story you can share with others for a long time. Love the music scarf.
Thanks! It was a shock, that’s for sure.
Ane, Your story brightened my day! At least you finally gave Ida something new to say.
thank you for offering your gifts of the scarves.
Also Kate thank you for featuring Ane So nice to offer potholder and book
mcnuttjem0(at)gmail(dot)com
I’m delighted, Jackie. Yeah, at least there was that. LOL
I am in awe of your restraint, Ane. I don’t know if I could have done it. Thank you for the chance to win a scarf. Kate, as always, love your blog post and look forward to it every day.
At least someone is in awe. LOL
Not fun, I remember getting my hair caught in a power drill once… ouch ! I am glad your ok. Lovely scarves, I think I would pick the red with musical notes on it.
Linda Finn
faithfulacresbooks@gmail.com
OUCH! I didn’t get hurt, just surprised. 🙂
As I read I thought to myself that I have never mentioned in a job interview that I applied intelligence to all I did. What a smart thing to say I thought to myself. But then as I continued to read your story I ended up saying to myself… hmmm maybe not..hahahahaha. Funny story Ane, loved it. ~Ellen
LOL Thanks, Ellen!
Ha! As I read along, I was hoping for a sweet revenge story, but hey–this worked. So funny!
Thanks, Linda. My revenge was the day I quit for a better job. She was so mad she lost her “minion.” LOL
Enjoyed your post.Thanks for sharing.jackie_tessanir@yahoo.com
Thanks for stopping by, Jackie!
Your post was a joyful reading and I could imagine that happening to me. My was always paper cuts and my hair in the way. Enjoyed it. Thank you for sharing.
You’re welcome, LeAnn. I’m tickled pink you could imagine it happening to you. 🙂
That sounds like something that would happen to me, except it would have been my hair rather than a scarf. The scarves are both gorgeous and I would love to win one. Sonja dot nishimoto at gmail dot com
Thanks Kate for your wonderful blog. I love to read it.
Getting your hair caught would really hurt! LOL
What and interesting story. I would love to win the scarf. I would wear it and always think of this story. Shirley Culpepper bluebell5071@yahoo.com
Wow, that’s cool! I’m delighted you liked it. 🙂
Such a funny story, although I know you were probably furious at that point. It sooo sounds like something that would happen to me. Luckily, where I worked, we had a shredder cabinet that a company came and shredded the contents in their truck. Still have my little personal shredder though! No issues with that one…so far! 🙂